Wednesday, 28 July 2010

The Artichoke of Attack

They Shallot Pass

Onion, that steadfast, reliable, archetypal model of network security, was reportedly receiving therapy today, having broken down in tears after this stinging and allegedly unprovoked attack by Cisco network consulting engineer Kurt Grutzmacher: "You used to hear about hackers having to peel away at the network’s onion layers, but in the borderless environment, that analogy does not apply."

"We gave service for years, decades even, to modelling the typical network's defences against threats and vulnerabilities" said a tearful Onion, in an apparent reference to its ofttimes colleague, Wild Leek. "Suddenly Cisco's mid-year security report comes out, and this guy's all like, It's not onions any more, it's more of an artichoke. I mean, WTF? So we're being replaced... by a fucking thistle?"

A representative from the pair's legal firm, Scallions Garlic and Chives, was later quoted as saying "We are naturally disappointed by Cisco's decision. We have many members, far more capable of representing attack surfaces in this new, so-called borderless environment. This could all have been better handled without going outside the family. The new Artichoke guy, sure he sounds tough, but underneath it all, he's not that hard. We call him Cisco's Thistle. But he ain't even got no sting."

In other news, ogres are expected to continue to have layers; donkeys, not so much.

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